Can you be friends with an ex?
Last month I wrote about how an ex is an ex for a reason, it then made me start thinking about being friends with an ex. I seem to think I am friends with a couple of them, although when I thought about it more I realised it’s not really a friendship as such. I mean can you really be friends with an ex? Can you really allow them to be in your life when you are with someone else?
I reached out to some women on a great Facebook group called Inappropriate Women and boy did they gave me food for thought. Turns out some of them were friends with their exes, and they had new partner’s friends with old ones. Imagine that? I mean looking at my track record I don’t think any of my exes could do that. Which made me think perhaps it’s not the concept of it but more the person involved? Including myself, I mean could I ever really stay friends with someone I have been with and allow him to be good friends with a current partner? A part of me thinks hell no, whilst another part thinks, well he was useless to me and if the new partner makes me happy then what issue would I have?
I looked at my history and spoke to some other women and got their thoughts. I concluded that you tend to only have four relationships with an ex.
First one, the ex-boyfriend. There is no relationship whatsoever left. Either because he hurt you and mis-treated you so bad that you cannot ever look past that and you have no room for him in your life any more, therefore no contact.
Second, civil. You accidentally bump into him on the streets and must be civil. OK not really a relationship, more of a fuck so glad I had my face on when I saw him! So again, no relationship, but you’ve let it go and will go and tell all your friends how you ran into him.
Three, simple. Fuck buddies. You no longer hold any feelings for him but are happy to see him because they help scratch an itch.
Four, lost lovers. This is where you still talk to them, you are pretty much friends. You can talk to them for hours on the phone about your love life issues or life in general, but then when you meet you somehow cross the line. You don’t have sex or maybe sometimes you do, but when you meet up as “friends” you seem to end up snogging, flirting, acting almost like you are still together just for that meet up.
Are any of these wrong? Are any of these complicated? I’m sure many people will answer yes and suggest you either leave them as an ex or you just be civil with them. However, is there really any harm in being fuck buddies or lost lovers if you don’t turn into an emotional wreck yearning for them again? Personally, I don’t think so. If it works for you then what is the harm? Is it complicated? Well it can only be as complicated as you make it right? The moment you go to the place of having expectations from them is probably when it can be classified as complicated and you will start to beat yourself up about it.
I recently met one of my exes, who ironically, I always classified as a friend. We can literally talk about anything and everything. We hardly meet, but we do always talk on the phone or on what’s app. We’ve been like this for years, and I hadn’t seen him in about two years. Prior to that I saw him once before when I was seeing someone else, and there was no kissing, no inappropriate behavior. Needless to say, the guy I was seeing became history and was classified in the above ex-boyfriend category. But the ex that I call a “friend” was still on the scene. Granted he wasn’t sympathetic about my break up or the pain I went through with the ex, but he did always call to see how I was.
When I saw him a few weeks ago that’s when I started really thinking about being friends with an ex, and I realised that in fact he was not really a friend but a lost lover. Except for the one time I was with someone else, any other time I have seen this “friend” he has always kissed me. Of course, I am no innocent angel because I kissed him back every time – oops. In the same time though I never felt so free. There was a time where I kept asking “why?”. The stupid question you ask yourself if you still talk to an ex and have any feelings for them to still be long term boyfriend material. Without me knowing I had past that stage, not only did I surprise myself, but I was proud of myself. It wasn’t about being friends with him or any ex for that matter, what I realise is that it was all about how I felt. Was I feeling up-set, hurt or anything negative? No, in fact it was more liberating to know that I no longer had any expectations from him and nor would I ever.
Can you be friends with an ex? Well I haven’t managed to do it yet but I have spoken to many women who have, whom I congratulate. Could I do it? I don’t think I could, perhaps the past is best left where it is for me. As for the exes in my life now, well one thing I realise now is that I cannot really call them friends if I still snog them, but I also don’t need to justify the relationship to anyone as long as I know where I stand and how I feel. So, I guess the true question to ask is not can you be friends with an ex, but can you have any type of relationship with him without hurting yourself?