Forgive yourself

It’s that time of year when forgiveness becomes a big part of what people think about, more so now than at any other time of the year. Some of us have probably been forgiving people throughout the year, for lying, cheating, breaking promises, all sorts of things. We get told you forgive but you don’t forget, in some cases people forget and don’t forgive. We are constantly told to forgive and believe people deserve second chances, a chance to redeem themselves, so in order to be a good person most of us do give another chance, but what happens when that second chance becomes a third, fourth or even fifth chance? What happens when you forgive so much that it almost becomes self-destruction?

I’m not saying we shouldn’t forgive. If you can forgive their actions or words then you should. If it’s something you can move on from and believe their apology is genuine, then you should. But, only if you want to. Sometimes we don’t forgive for any of those reasons. We forgive because of the alliance of the relationship itself. Perhaps it’s a family member so you have no choice but to forgive, or it’s a partner that you have invested in for years and you don’t want that time to be wasted. The key thing that we don’t always consider in forgiveness is ourselves. We forget that before being a good person to another, we need to be a good person to ourselves first. Yes, you can forgive, but if you think they will hurt you again then why would you forgive and let them back in? Holding on to anger and hurt doesn’t always help us to grow. It manifests in our mind as a poison, so eventually we have to let it go, whether it’s by way of forgiveness or by way of closing the door to that relationship, that doesn’t mean you’re not a good person. It means you are a good person to whom you need to be good to first, you.

I’ve had the lying cheating boyfriends that I’ve forgiven, the family members that have done or said things I’ve forgiven, I’ve even had friends I have forgiven. Family seems to be an easier group to forgive for we have no choice in who our blood is, but it doesn’t always mean that they deserve forgiveness for some of their actions or words, yet most the time we forgive. Ex partners are sometimes forgiven not for the fact that you love them, but sometimes more for the fact of the hold they may have on you or the fear of being alone again. Then we have friends, who are probably the hardest ones to forgive in all situations because these were the people you entrusted the most, the ones you choose to have your back, and when they break the trust you question your own judgement. This group is rarely forgiven, why? Because they were your choice and you never prepared yourself for them to hurt you, because you truly believed they wouldn’t.

I am again at a point where I am considering forgiveness for someone who I trusted immensely but they broke my heart with no reason with no explanation of their actions; and whilst I’ve contemplated forgiving them what I now know is that I’m not angry at them as such, I am angrier with myself. Angry that I allowed myself to get into a position that allowed someone to be able to hurt me again, and whilst I can forgive them, it’s true I would never forget and I could never trust them again I would be guarded all the time, maybe in time those barriers would drop, but if I did nothing wrong why should I be the one to still suffer the aftermath? As selfish as that sounds I understand that I have to be otherwise you may as will crown me the Queen of forgiveness and walk all over me.

Out of all the people I have forgiven, and trust me there’s been a lot, only a handful of them were worthy of my forgiveness and proved to me that I was right to forgive them. The others I forgave and forgave but they did something again and again which I kept forgiving. I had a hope that perhaps this time they would learn, perhaps this time they will get it right, in waiting for that I just managed to hurt myself more and more, what made it worse was I saw the signs but I ignored them.

So, even though we are told forgive people and give them another chance, what about giving yourself a chance? A chance to stop the hurt, the pain, the betrayal, the anxiety. What I realise now is that I must learn to forgive myself first, not the other person but myself. I thought I was stronger, I thought I was savvier then this on trust and betrayal, and it wasn’t that I wasn’t, it was more that the people who hurt me took advantage of my forgiving nature. So, whilst I have anger towards the person that hurt me, I know the person I am most angry at is me. I didn’t look after myself first. So, I have learnt to forgive myself for making the judgement of entrusting someone else who hurt me.

Yes, we should forgive, but now I know I must forgive myself for allowing them to do something they need forgiveness for, then I must look at myself and ask how they could enhance my life if they did come back into it, if I believe they would enhance it positively then I owe it to myself to try to forgive them now. If on the other hand, I see no place for them in my life, then I can still forgive and let them be a part of my past and close the door. Yes, we should forgive, but that doesn’t mean to say that we should also be taken advantage of, you are your greatest protector, its fine if you give everyone else a chance, but give yourself a chance first.